19 Stages of Watching a Dance Competition

Stages of Watching a Dance Competition

1. You get up early. Like... let’s see the sunrise together early. Except that you can’t enjoy the sunrise because...

2.  You spend twenty minutes in a panic because you  can’t find the bottom to the first costume of the day only to realize that the last time she wore it, she had a quick change and it got shoved into the bottom of the Dream Duffel.

3. You spend the next twenty minutes trying wash off the superglue-esque paste that a combination of hair gel, hairspray, and eyelash glue have created on your fingers.

4. Then you have to go back to the car because you didn’t put the spare tights in the Dream Duffel and the first pair your child put on ripped.

5. You drape your dancer in an oversized sweatshirt so that she can eat some hotel waffles for breakfast without getting syrup on her costume.

6. You run out the door and race to the venue, only to find that there’s road construction/a parade/a road race blocking all known routes to the place.

7. After finding a parking spot far enough away to count as your cardio for the day, you enter the building to be greeted with the news that they’re running an hour ahead--even though the competition started 30 minutes ago.

8.  You hand off your dancer to the teachers, only after asking a minimum of 17 times if she’s stretched.  And then you go to find a seat...

9. And discover that some parents must have camped out overnight like it was a Best Buy Black Friday sale because there’s nowhere to sit.

10.  You insist that you’re going to watch all of the numbers leading up to your studio’s performance and seven minutes later find yourself finally beating level 141 of Candy Crush.

11. You start making notes in your program to add to Dance Competition Hub when you get home.

12. At around hour 7, you begin to question your involvement in this and begin pondering the vacations you could be taking with the money you spend on dance competitions.

13. Then awards happen and your child scores a platinum on her solo and you start mentally packing for the next competition.

14. You promise to stay and watch all of the studio’s numbers and then your Starbucks app sends a notification of half price drinks.

15. You sneak back into the auditorium with your coffee, conveniently ignoring the “no food or drink allowed” sign, only to find that the seat in front of yours has been taken up by three dancers who insist on sitting on each other’s laps and giggling loudly while taking group selfies on their phones.

16. You begin plotting the murder of the parent who is too cheap to buy her own program and keeps texting you every 10 minutes to ask “what number are they on?”

17.  You try (and fail) to hide rolling your eyes at the parent who insists her precious little snowflake did not win because “the judges hate her.” (While mentally noting that she placed second.)

18. As 10 pm awards approach and you've had nothing but coffee and a half a stale pretzel, you begin to wonder how long it took for the Donner party to turn on each other.

19.  You return to your hotel room and set your alarm so that you can repeat steps 1-17 tomorrow.




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Stuff Dance Moms Say - Stuff Dance Dads Say

Moms

• Please don't take your eyelashes off at the table.
• All of your clubs have to meet at lunch or before school. You have dance.
• Don't throw things at your sister! She has to dance next week
• That costume needs more rhinestones
• Oooh...you should dance to this song
• Are you stretched? (repeat 10x)
• You painted your nails!!!! Take that off!
• Sure I can stone that.
• More hairspray!
• If you change quickly we can get a quick lunch between solos & awards.
• Let me spray more glitter on you. I see a bare spot.
• Don't you think that (costume) should be a two piece?
• You can't. You have dance.
• Sure, I'll drive three hours so she can perform one 3 minute dance.
• You can always buy new underwear. Don't forget the costumes.

Dads

• I don't even want to see the bill. Just pay it & keep quiet.
• This prop isn't TOO heavy.
• We have to take her WHERE for nationals?
• Where is the rest of that costume?
• I can retire a few years later, let her do another solo.
• Sure, honey, I'll build you a prop. And rent a U-Haul to get it to competitions.
• I spent all day at work with glitter on my face. No one told me.
• What should I fix myself for dinner tonight?
• So, I took my boss to lunch today and I'm sure he wondered why there were rhinestones in the seat of my car.

Feel free to add your own in the comments!

10 Rules for New Dance Parents

Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments.

1. New to the studio? This is a new place. New rules, new kids, new teachers. Stop comparing. It's annoying.

2. New to the competitive team?  The "best" at her old studio doesn't mean jack here...maybe her old studio sucked. Maybe not. But hush.

3. Don't complain that your kid doesn't know the dance at performances if she's not in class to learn it.

4. Christmas show and recital. Just plan for it now and don't bitch when they get here.

5.Yes, you'll need to buy the same shoes and costumes that everyone else in the class has.

6. Class parents: Do not ask me how much team costs. You don't want to know and I don't like to think about it.

7. Parents of small children: When your little ones watch the big ones perform, they are going to want to dance like  that. Cancel all plans for the next 10 years.

8. Going into the studio during class isn't as helpful as you think it is. Sit down.

9. Let the teachers do their job. If you feel you are qualified to teach dance, open your own studio or apply for a job.

10. Be nice. I have a really good memory.

Dance Mom Survival Course

Life as a dance mom (or dad) can get really crazy. Most of us jump into it with no clue what we are getting ourselves into. I think life would be easier on all of us if we were able to take a course to become Certified Dance Parents (not to be confused with Certifiable. That's a given.)  I have compiled the following as chapters for the course:

Lesson 1: Bringing your child to class on a regular basis. Textbook required: Calendar.

Lesson 2: Science: Learn the many uses for glitter and hairspray. Extra Credit: How to get E6000 off of your fingers.

Lesson 3: Knowing When to share: The cashier at WalMart doesn't care about your special princess's dance schedule.

Lesson 4: Managing the Shoe Odor Problem. (extra materials needed: gas mask, febreeze)

Lesson 5: Financial Planning - subchapter - don't plan on having any money.

Lesson 6: Appropriate Times to Converse with Teachers

Lesson 7: Costuming: Learn to live with it. This course is required for all dads.

Lesson 8: Gold, High Gold, Platinum, Double Super Plutonium...deciphering awards. This will be a round-table discussion as there is no logical explanation for any of this.

Lesson 9: Survival for Competition Parents. This will be an intensive weekend-long course where you are deprived of sleep and only given small rations of overpriced stale pretzels and whatever soda beverage you do not prefer.


Upon completion of the class, you'll be awarded a trophy that will break on your way home. For those excelling in the course, you'll be invited to a super special "invitation only" workshop that you'll need to pay $1000 to attend.