Dance Mom Survival Course

Life as a dance mom (or dad) can get really crazy. Most of us jump into it with no clue what we are getting ourselves into. I think life would be easier on all of us if we were able to take a course to become Certified Dance Parents (not to be confused with Certifiable. That's a given.)  I have compiled the following as chapters for the course:

Lesson 1: Bringing your child to class on a regular basis. Textbook required: Calendar.

Lesson 2: Science: Learn the many uses for glitter and hairspray. Extra Credit: How to get E6000 off of your fingers.

Lesson 3: Knowing When to share: The cashier at WalMart doesn't care about your special princess's dance schedule.

Lesson 4: Managing the Shoe Odor Problem. (extra materials needed: gas mask, febreeze)

Lesson 5: Financial Planning - subchapter - don't plan on having any money.

Lesson 6: Appropriate Times to Converse with Teachers

Lesson 7: Costuming: Learn to live with it. This course is required for all dads.

Lesson 8: Gold, High Gold, Platinum, Double Super Plutonium...deciphering awards. This will be a round-table discussion as there is no logical explanation for any of this.

Lesson 9: Survival for Competition Parents. This will be an intensive weekend-long course where you are deprived of sleep and only given small rations of overpriced stale pretzels and whatever soda beverage you do not prefer.


Upon completion of the class, you'll be awarded a trophy that will break on your way home. For those excelling in the course, you'll be invited to a super special "invitation only" workshop that you'll need to pay $1000 to attend.