How to Train to be Dance Mom

Becoming a dance mom is no simple feat. Most people don't understand all of the preparation and training that goes into it. I've outlined a few simple pointers for you, should you be considering a career as dance mom.

Set Your Boundaries

Sit down and carefully plan out how much money you’re willing to spend, how far you’re willing to travel, and what your guidelines are for two piece costumes.  Then tear up that piece of paper and burn it because it’s worthless anyway.

Learn the Dance Mom  Way

Study dance moms who have come before you. (For those of you who are new here, those people on t.v. are not acceptable subject for study.) Talk to veteran dance moms.  Observe their rhinestoning skills, ,quick movements during costume changes, and check writing abilities.  Mimic these in your day-to-day life until you have them mastered.

Remember that Silence is Golden

The moment you tell someone you’re a dance mom, you’re going to be met with a barrage of stupid questions.  “Why do you spend so much money?” “What’s she going to do with that?” and my personal favorite… “Are you like the moms on that show?” Avoiding these questions may help keep your criminal record squeaky clean.

Acquire Weaponry

rhinestones

E6000

wine

ear plugs

coffee

Aspercream

Physical Training

Stage 1: Run up and down a flight of stairs while dressing and undressing a doll.

Stage 2:  Hide several of your child’s dance accessories. Then, deprive yourself of sleep for 36 hours. Chug a Redbull.  Now have a scavenger hunt.

Sate 3: Give a cat some catnip. Turn off the lights.  Now, try to put a dress and eyelashes on the cat.

Following these simple guidelines will have you acting as a champion dance mom in no time!

Q & A Flyer - for the Dance Clueless

You know them. The people who ask you the "well-meaning" questions about dance. Or, better yet, the ones who are just plain trying to be assholes. It seems like they just ask the same things over and over again. Well, here's the answer: A simple flyer for you to hand out to nosey-Nellies. Maybe they'll get a nasty paper cut.

For your convenience, I've supplied two answers to each question. A1 - the answer I would give and A2  - the answer a person who doesn't have to be sarcastic with every interaction might say.

Q: How much do you pay for all of that dance? 
A1: Are you planning on contributing? No? Then it's none of your damned business.
A2: It's part of his/her arts education. I don't monetize it.

Q:  Why are you wasting time with dance? It's not like it's going to pay the bills.
A1: Oh, yes, because statistics show that every junior high football player has like a 90% chance of becoming a millionaire.
A2: Grace, poise, confidence, athleticism. Shall I go on?

Q: Where did she get all of those bruises?
A1: She likes to go to the laundromat with her friends and a roll of quarters and play in the dryers.
A2: Because dance is a sport. Football players and soccer players and softball players get bruises too.

Q: How can you let her wear all of that make up?
A1:  I"m training her to be a pole dancer. I'm spending all of my retirement money on her training. She'll need to support me when I"m old.
A2: It's stage make up. Her face would look like a white blob on stage without it. She doesn't wear it to K-mart.

Q: Why do you let her wear that costume?
A1: What's the alternative? Not wearing it?
A2: If she was in a play, she'd have a costume. She wouldn't wear it to the mall. Same rules apply.

Q: Why do you care so much about her dancing?
A1: Why do YOU care so much about her dancing?
A2: Because she does.

Be sure to print this handy little guide out and keep it in your wallet for quick reference at your next family function. And if Aunt Glenda still won't listen, send her to my Twitter. I'll straighten her out.